Insecurity

New Job / Old Job – Finding Wisdom In The Eye Of A Storm

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Lightbulb momentToward the end of last year my husband was out of work and suggested it may be a good time for me to think about getting some part time work. He was very positive about the opportunity to look for something new and explore different avenues and I was happy for him but I wasn’t happy for me!

His situation brought up lots of past memories of the times I’d been made redundant.  Like my husband my background is in marketing both client and agency side. In my experience it’s quite a volatile market and my career path has had shall we say lots of twists and turns in it. This path has led to what I’m doing now teaching Innate Health which I see as a true expression of what I’ve done to date.  Therefore the thought of going back into working for someone else doing marketing again filled me with dread and self- oathing for all the things/overthinking I can now see I innocently did that held me back in my career and at times made me desperately unhappy. Continue reading →

Family Relationships – An always on connection

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Guest post by fellow overthinker Matt Halfin

Matts experience of family relationships bigger

For many years my mum has told me that when I was 13 I ‘turned’ from a  loving, model son into a rebellious, uncommunicative teen- and never turned back (I’m now 37 and counting). This always raises a groan, and latterly a smile from me, but turns out she might have been right…well partly…

Several years ago I was on a personal development course where I saw for the first time the degree to which my experience of past and present circumstances and the people in my life were a product of the judgements and interpretations I had made in my head rather than being true or objective as they had previously seemed (as I now see, only 100%). Continue reading →

It’s just a diary or is it? – Lessons from the ultimate search

/ George Halfin / 2 Comments

Which diary do I choseMy husband had been out of work for 3 months so naturally we have been tightening our belts, but one new thing I needed was a new diary for 2016. Yes, I know I have a smart phone but for an old Luddite like me there something comforting and helpful about writing your commitments down and seeing a week on one page – on paper not a screen!

So I was very excited about the prospect of buying a diary. To me it was a treat something for me, something I could indulge in. Therefore I had lots of thoughts and expectations of what I wanted. It had to be A6 to fit in my handbag and pocket, but still have enough room for what I anticipated to be my increasingly busy and inspiring life. It had to be colourful and inspirational and it had to be an expression of me. You can see where this is going can’t you… Continue reading →

Why I say ‘Bah Humbug’ to reflecting on last year and making resolutions for 2016

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2015 is history 2015 is a mysteryThere are lots of posts in my head still to be written from 2015 but I’ll start with a new year’s post because it seems appropriate (and then if I delve into past reflections for future posts I’m sure you’ll forgive me).

So as the end of the year was approaching my husband suggested I reflect on the past year as he often finds this a constructive and helpful exercise. As I happened to be drifting in and out of a bad mood/negative state of mind, for me this was not a good idea and even though I sensed this couldn’t help myself. – I was drawn to reflect as he suggested and it did indeed prove to be a really bad idea!

You see we can view our lives in any colour of the rainbow depending on where our mood is. If we are feeling content we can see the past as rosy, if we are feeling sad we can see at as grey and we have feeling downright unhappy we can see it as very bleak indeed. Since our feelings come from our thinking if we dwell on something negative we are going to experience a negative feeling about it, and this what happened to me. Continue reading →

Moods – Lessons From A Tired 4 Year Old Not Wanting To Go Home

/ George Halfin / 1 Comment

dark clouds raining down on my 4 year oldSo I’ve just started a contract working 2 days a week and then 1 day a week I work for myself. This means that my eldest who is 4 and half has to join his brother at the childminders after school at least 2 days a week until 5.30pm or 6pm.

So last week I went to pick them up and I noticed he was a little upset about a Halloween bag my childminder had kindly got them both for a present. He didn’t want his and he was very upset when I insisted on taking his brother’s one home because he didn’t want him to have one either!

The bags had pictures of bats and spiders on, and I sensed this may be scaring him. As we were walking to the bus in the dark and the rain he got upset and told me he didn’t want the bag at home and I should throw it into a bush. I said no and told him that the bags just had pictures of bats and spiders on just like the pictures he drew of bats at home. He said no they were real and the rats he saw were real and everything was real, real, real!!!

We proceeded to have a ‘profoundish’ conversation about this for 5 minutes before we got into ‘I don’t want to go home, I just want to stand out in the rain!’ which he kept repeating and repeating and repeating! He looked so sad and tired all I felt was love and compassion for him so I kept reassuring him and saying ‘I know, I understand’ and then encouraging him to walk on. I then explained how it wasn’t good to stand out in the rain as we may get cold or worse and our feet would hurt, but he went on and on and on! Continue reading →

Contemplations on Make Up and Money

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make up and moneyThanks  to Lian Brook-Tyler who kindly originally published this article as ‘What A Fabulous Lipstick Taught Me About Happinness’ on the Born Happy website in August this year.

A few months ago I happened to be in Primrose Hill and feeling indulgent popped into Space NK tried on some green lipstick that enhanced your natural lip colour. To me it felt fabulous, but as I felt it was frivolous to spend money on something I didn’t need, decided not to buy it.

A month or so later I happened to be going to St Johns Wood on a course so I had two days to myself without the kids in tow (Yippee!). The lipstick had been on my mind, and since I knew there was a Space NK there too, I thought I’d treat myself to it. But that morning I went to withdraw money and there was none left in my account. Since I didn’t want to check it from my phone I realised I’d have to wait until I got home to see what had happened. I decided not to let it dominate my day and just enjoy my course which I did. (This was a huge achievement for me because in the past I would have obsessed about it all day and not been able to concentrate on anything else.)

At the end of the day I thought I’d try the lipstick on again anyway just in case my bank statement was wrong, so I did and I liked it. Then the sales assistant showed me a similar type of lipstick that was more expensive and had more ‘benefits’. I liked this one even more! I thought if I could wear this when I did my talk at Tikun that was being screened live, the lipstick would make me glow and I would feel fabulous!

Trouble was my bank statement turned out to be correct, so I couldn’t buy it even though it was really tempting. Then I thought: ‘Well, I’ll use this as an incentive to get clients and earn money so I can spend money on frivolous things like lipstick.” and got into very determined thinking. This led to more thinking about money and not having enough and not earning enough and not contributing enough!

What a lot of thinking I got into just from trying out a lipstick!

The funny thing is as people know me know, I’m not big into make-up. I see it as a treat and wear it sparingly except for on special occasions. Even thinking about make-up, gets me into lots of thinking about it! For instance, I was kindly given a voucher for my 40th birthday and I spent it on expensive make-up and sometimes when I look at it I feel bad cos even though I like, it I’m sure I could get similar products that were the same at a fraction of the price.

On reflection we buy into make-up and into conversations about needing things because we think it will make us feel good.

I didn’t have the special lipstick on when I did my talk at Tikun that’s now been watched by over 170 people. You can watch it here (start it at 2:00:54 as it’s unedited) and I felt fabulous and glowing and I know that wasn’t from the make-up… it came from inside.

My thinking about money and perceived lack of it was just that – thinking about money. Once I saw that all the obsessing and striving was coming from me and getting me no-where fast it naturally dropped away. My situation hasn’t changed. I have what I need and my family has what we need and that’s all that counts. If we didn’t I trust that I’d know what to do ensure that we did. So my circumstances are still the same but I don’t see money, or a perceived lack of it as a problem any-more. Nothing has changed… just my perspective.

That’s how life is, if you focus on something as a problem be it money, your job etc it becomes a problem until it doesn’t.

Now I guess I’m onto the next thing – lack of time anyone?!? Tee Hee.

If you have enjoyed this and want to know more, feel free to get in touch and I’m happy to offer you a half hour introductory Skype call at no cost. If you want to meet in person join our growing band of overthinkers at Overthinkers Anonymous. We will meeting up on Wednesday 16 September in Queens Park where we will be discussing ‘If it’s really true that there is too much to do and too little time to do it’ , it would be lovely to see you there.

Also if you or anyone you know have recently had a baby and want a chance to let off steam and get support from other mums as well as learn something that will help them deal with life with a baby then join me for our next NapChat on Thursday 17 September. To find out more click here.

How real is our thinking? Lessons from an almost 4 year old

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Thanks  to Lian Brook-Tyler for the opportunity to publish this article on the Born Happy website in April this year.

4 year old thinking

So my eldest is going to be 4 in a few weeks’ time and we’ve recently noticed a change in him…

It started with the night terrors and insisting the light had to be on in the hallway all night 6 months ago and progressed to a fear of shadows and talking about monsters in the night. We have taken an interest in what he is saying and tried to explain that monsters were not real. But for someone for whom where reality starts and imagination ends is not clear this isn’t easy to do. – ie He talks about what happens to Peppa Pig and the Mr Men in the same sentence as he talks about what we did the yesterday.

A few days ago we noticed this blur between imagination and reality took on a different more sinister guise. We were on our way home from a long day at The Princess Diana Memorial Playground and he was very tired to the extent that he was whining because he had to walk. He started saying”‘Ga Ga” this and “Ga Ga” that. His friend decided to take offence to this, so put his fists up close to his face to threaten him. His mum and I put a stop to this straight away but you could see that my little boy was visibly scared. We explained to his friend that ‘Ga Ga’ to my little boy wasn’t just a baby word it was his Grandma’s name. – (She having claimed the first word his said as her name. – Not an uncommon occurrence amongst keen Grandma’s and mother in laws or so I’ve heard. – Tee Hee)

That evening we were having a lovely dinner and my eldest kept telling us about when his friend had looked like he was going to hit him and how scared he was. Each time he told us he looked visibly scared like he was reliving the experience. We said “it’s over now” and “it’s Ok and he didn’t hit you and you are OK” but he kept telling it to us and getting visibly scared by it. Then as we were getting him ready for the bath he kept saying it again and I said “What are you doing now?” and he said “Getting ready for the bath” so I said “So what your friend did isn’t happening now is it?” and he said “No” and he seemed to start to understand so I said “All there is in life is what is happening now. What you are doing in the moment.” And he seemed happier and relieved and didn’t mention it again. I added “The past isn’t real and the future is your imagination so the only thing that is real is what is happening now” I really didn’t think he understood this last bit but was happy to settle for bringing him back to the now to start with. Then the next day he asked me what we did yesterday so I said we had gone to the Princess Diana Memorial Playground. So he said “yes and my friend went to hit me but he didn’t.” and recounted the story again. This time though I could see it didn’t bother him at all. Then he said something like “but that’s not real now.” – So I think he understood more than either my husband or I had imagined he would.

I guess our little boy is changing. He is becoming more conscious of his thinking and therefore more affected by it. It got me thinking about how as adults we also innocently get caught in our thinking and run things that happen over and over in our heads hurting ourselves in the process without even realising it. Sometimes we may even act from that negative thinking and as a result possibly say or do hurtful things to others. As adults some of us are just less obvious about it or maybe not, but it’s all the same.

Life happens: It’s the meaning we give to it that gives us the experience of it and it’s up to us to bring ourselves back to the present to see what really is so. Because the only reality is what is happening now in the moment – and even that comes from our own individual unique viewpoint of it.

I will speaking at Tikun in Temple Fortune next Tuesday 23 June at 8pm  on ‘The Freedom To Be – Good Moods, Bad Moods Warts and All’ with my great friend and teacher Toby Walzer so if you’d like to know more click here.

“There is nothing to Fear but Fear Itself”* – Lessons From A Mouse In The House

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mouse in the houseSo we have had a mouse in our house. – Eek!! I have gone through several phases of feelings and thinking about this.

At first when I saw it run across the kitchen floor I was in denial. Then evidence in the form of eaten bread in several locations and droppings –yuk!-  led me to revulsion and the compulsion to sort it out. So we got in the pest control and after finding out there were several potential ‘nesting’ points in my house I went into clearing out mode. – Which was needed –as there was a lot of clutter I had been avoiding sorting out that as a result of the mouse, got sorted.  (So there were some benefits.) Continue reading →

Why People’s Insistence That You Move Onto The Next Life Stage Need Not Bother You

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Life CycleMy baby has recently turned 6 months old and for the last month or so, people have started saying ‘Aren’t you going to wean him now?’ This didn’t bother me but it struck me that in the past I have allowed comments like this to really affect me. Why is everyone in such a hurry for people to move onto the next stage in their lives?!? It’s like when you have a partner people say ‘when are you going to get engaged?’ and then when you are engaged they say ‘When are you going to get married?’ Then as soon as you are married they say ‘When are you going to have a baby?’

I remember when we were desperate to have a second child and it just wasn’t happening and I took this very badly and was upset and emotional for months about it. People kept saying things like ‘Shouldn’t you be having another one by now’ and to me this felt like they were stabbing me because I took it very personally. I was lucky enough to be studying on The 3 Principles Professional Institute at the time. I remember my supervisor Dr Aaron Turner pointed out that people were just innocently saying what they were saying. It was me who was creating the experience of what they were saying that was affecting me, not them. It was only when I could see that I was causing pain to myself that I was able to hear these comments and not be affected.

I now see that people innocently ask life cycle questions just as they would ask what the weather is like and it’s up to us how we hear and interpret these comments and how we let them affect us or not.

Too Much Choice! – Are Too Many Options Bad For Our Health?

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mobile phone choices I just had to get a new mobile phone because my old one had stopped working deleting my entire address book from when I first got a mobile phone in its wake! Joy! –Not even putting it in rice as my 3 year old suggested could save it this time!

What struck me about this was the amount of choice and options I had and how much information there was to steer me in different directions. I went into 2 phone shops on 3 days running to look into what I should get and then spent an additional 2 hours on the computer checking my bill history and researching further. As we all know with the internet there is no end to the research you can do and in terms of reviews you can always find someone who has found a fault with something!  – And even though we know that’s the case part of us wants to doubt our choices and use the ‘research’ as evidence. Even when I thought I had chosen the phone and the tariff and was about to make a purchase I was given even more options which led me into another spiral of thinking and doubt. By then I’d had enough of the overthinking and analysis so just went with the phone I had agreed with my husband was a good option the day before. Continue reading →