Due to the pregnancy I’ve had quite a bit of insomnia which has helped me get this blog up before the baby comes so could be seen as a good thing. However the other weekend me and my husband were watching ‘The Voice’ to wind down and I decided to ask him to help me get my ipod working, even though I knew deep down this probably wasn’t the best timing. – I was right it pushed us both over the edge. This resulted in him getting in a huff with me, fair enough and me getting emotional – also fair enough. Because we now understand each others moods and realised it was better to do our own thing rather than aggravate each other further he went upstairs to read and I went downstairs – to watch TV/sulk.
When I was sulking in front of the TV it occurred to me that I could sulk just about what happened and leave it at that, or I could indulge my emotional mood and see where my thoughts went. Because I was in the mood for a good cry I thought I’m going to go with this and indulge myself and boy did I go for it!
Its funny being emotional in secret (ie crying to myself often to sleep) is how I’ve always expressed myself since I was a young child and this was no different. I remember maybe at the age of 4 or 5 being sent to my room for something and having all sorts of vitriolic thinking about my family, and I remember it shocked me. So much so that I knew not to trust this kind of thinking and so never have. That night was no different. – The vitriolic thinking that was coming into my head was flowing. – Thoughts like ‘if he’s like this now, what’s he going to be like when the new baby comes?’ etc – This led from thinking about him to thinking about me ‘I’m not going to get any sleep for months and not going to be able to function etc’ and I saw a lot of thinking I had about the birth of my last child and how I was after, come up. Thoughts like ‘last time I was a recluse for weeks I cant do that now with a toddler’ feeding the feeling of being sorry for myself etc etc
I indulged this thinking more and more even when I went upstairs to bed still sobbing. -At which point my husband apologised to me and made sure I was OK. – I meanwhile made it quite clear I just wanted to cry and I couldn’t talk now (if I’m being honest not in quite the politest way as that, but you get the impression). So I just lay in bed letting the thinking come and crying myself to sleep.
In the morning I woke up and felt completely different. What I realised was that I had had a lot of thinking about the new baby and how it was going to be; and how I was going to be and; how the birth was going to be; and the reality is I really don’t know. The reality is I dont know how the birth will be, just like I dont know how the new baby will be. – Just like I don’t know how I’ll be or my husband will and I found that so comforting. Just to be “well I dont know” rather than projecting into the future has brought me a lot of peace in the last few weeks.
I was reflecting on this again yesterday and I saw this even deeper in the sense that even though I really thought I’d come to peace about how my last baby was born and I how was after, maybe I hadn’t really and I needed to go through all that thinking that night to come to peace with myself and how I was.Not to say I’m superhuman and haven’t had wobbles – I’m due very very soon now and have wobbles about how I’ll going to cope in my overly pregnant state with my toddler let alone the birth etc but deep down just like everything else in life I know all I can do is take things days to day, live in the moment and rest will work itself out.
This makes me grateful for having learnt about the 3 Principles because maybe without the understanding I’m gaining, indulging my thinking could have got me into a much a darker place or maybe not. – After all we all have inbuilt innate health to guide us through life, having an understanding of the 3 Principles just helps us trust it more rather than our dark thoughts.