I’m constantly amazed how life can look totally different from one day to the next.
A few days ago I was fearful for our future and at times even felt like leaving my husband. I wanted someone to wave a magic wand to make everything better and magic us to a time when we could live a life earning enough to spend what we wanted, yet still both doing what we loved and spending lots of time with our kids.
The day before I’d looked at old pictures of the kids as babies, especially our first. – They say that starting a new business is like having your first child and I remembered the evolution we all had to go through then and I wasn’t sure I wanted to face those kinds of challenges and adjustments again.
It felt real to me. Just like it felt real to me that my husband was getting under my feet and constantly picking on everything I do, telling me that it’s wasn’t good enough. – That I am not good enough. That I needed his approval and I couldn’t make decisions without him.
I felt fearful about my future and had no idea what to do and how to even start.
This all looked real to me and I felt heavy, tired and emotional. I was with kids all day and even though I had many special moments with them, behind the smiles I just felt like crying all day and if I had the chance I would have.
My husband even came and said maybe we need to get some help to get a fresh perspective and I agreed.
Then somehow after dinner that night the heaviness lifted by itself. Our ‘circumstances’ hadn’t changed my husband still (doesn’t currently have a job and) is still starting a business. My future regarding my job is still uncertain and I still don’t know what to do about it. Yet I felt lighter and I continue to feel lighter. Like none of those things matter.
My husband’s ‘feedback’ even felt different to me ‘less personal’ as did mine to him. – Like we weren’t trying to get one up on each other. Though this is still very tempting for me especially when he ‘messes up’ in his way and I can enjoy being sanctimonious about being ‘understanding and ‘nice’ about it’ instead of the ‘exasperation and impatience’ I perceive I get from him.
As I said nothing changed. Except that for the last few days I have not been taking my thinking so seriously. I’m not feeding my negative thinking by getting interested in it and letting it grow. I’m not innocently fuelling the fire of my thinking, I’m just getting on with my life.
Maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s all we need to see. That we innocently create our experience of our lives via the gift of thought, the creative energy that flows through us. The more we take our thinking seriously the more it feels real to us until it doesn’t. Not doing anything about it just seeing and being open to the fact that our view of life can change at any moment.
As Syd Banks said in The Missing Link “Thought on its own is a completely neutral gift. Thought is not reality; yet it is through Thought that our realities are created. It is what we as humans put into our thoughts, that dictates what we think of life.”
If anything I’ve written resonates with you and you are curious to find out more, please get in touch I’d love to hear from you.